Not the Mommy!

Annoyance rant alert!! Do not read if you don't want rantiness today:) VENTING on high.

DEAR MOMS,
Please stop telling other women that they know squat about kids cause they did not expel one. Especially if they DO know squat!!!!! It is SOOOO rude!!!!!

So.. The story...Talked to an old  friend for a bit today..had a lovely conversation that  quickly deteriorated into the kind that makes  my head head do it's explody trick.She is a girl who is slightly older than me and has just had her first baby.On purpose.Without benefit of marriage or security..Because it was “just  TIME”..AND she sort of tricked the guy...(So pretty much said " to hell with what a kid needs  and to hell with being ethical toward others.. as long as MY desires are met") AND  she had said bebe with a guy who swears he is "NEVER getting married" and is " "biologically polyamourus"(it iS a real quote.. I cannot even START on this dirtyfooted penishead she is dating... or it will be five pages long and Shuntell will need TWO snacks to get through:))..And really it  IS  is neither here nor there to my tale:)Just  people having babies on purpose in crap situations because they "want a baby" annoys me.Tweaks my buttons.....I KNOW accidents happen and you make the best of it..The BEST parents I know are  ALL OOPS parents:) But to deliberately create a life when you don't have your OWN life together...  is IN MY OPINION selfish.BUT anyway..that mini rant was not the real rant...

So.. I am talking to my friend about her new baby girl.. Or rather SHE is talking. I am saying things like OOHH… and awww and… so precious. Cause it is all I can get in.. and really.. All that was needed..

She is telling me about her babys’ colic and how she is treating it. I commented that perhaps she should check with the DR…because she had NOT.(She was diagnosing colic herself and treating with plant juice and moonbeams ) because sometimes serious stuff mimics colic.

The response? “Oh no I don’t think so. I know you MEAN well Maur, but seriously when YOU ARE  a MOM you will understand. SINCE YOU ARE NOT A MOM you don’t understand that we MOMS  just KNOW how to diagnose our kids. I KNOW nothing is seriously wrong and the dandelion enemas will be just enough”
K.
SIGH.
BOOM.There went  my head.Even though I had both hands on it trying to hold it down…

Now  I have ranted  about this before.. You  girls..Girls like me.. who get into your thirties or older and do not have babies... you KNOW how this goes

In addition to the fact that most people think you are weird for being 30 or 40 something without kids,,,MANY women walk around the world asserting that If you have not GROWN a baby you know NOTHING about children or parenthood
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IMO…This is utter BULLhockey.. Because if it  is true that maternal instinct….parental success… and  the ability to care for children ONLY comes after you actually give birth to them… Then you are negating all adoptive parents, non traditional familes, and DADS.You are saying that a mom that adopts her children or has them by surrogate does not really have a mom instinct because her hipbones are in the same place they were pre baby? A grandmother who is raising her second generation has a different love for the kids cause they came from a hoo hoo once removed? Two dad families  know crap about parenting cause their kid came from a borrowed hoo? See my point?

In addition there are a gazillion women who give birth without one smidge of mom instinct.

While there are of course experiences unique to childbirth and biological parenting... I do not believe that those two factors result in more capable or effective child CARE or rearing .

Despite the fact that I have not pushed a human being  out my cookie, I have lots of kid experience. I have spent the better part of my adult life working in Early Childhood Ed , as a nanny, and in various direct care settings. I am pretty well versed on kids and all things that come with them. I have a degree in ECE and several state certifications.In addition.. despite not being a parent I have “parented”. As a nanny I have been the primary caretaker for many children that I loved
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No... I did not BIRTH those children…. but I fed them and changed them and treated their diaper rash and took them to get their shots and cleaned up endless poop and vomit.. and stayed up with them when they had earaches and bad dreams and taught them to read and took them to the Dr and the ER with 102 fevers and worried about them and made them birthday cakes and helped with homework and ballet and soccer and all the million other things that one does when they are caring for children.

I have loved children and cared for children and that experience has taught me things that are relevant and useful and should be shared.

If I SAY something, there is a decent chance I can back it up. I was commenting as a person with experience, NOT as a birth mommy expert!

 My life’s work and my experience is not irrelevant. I would go so far to say that my experiences as a noththemom  are more relevant then the experiences of some  “moms” who may have pushed out the baby…. but could not be bothered to do any parenting from that point on?

Would you rather get parenting advice from me or the crack whore on Washington street pushing her kid to a drug deal in the grocery cart? Chances are her kid came from her bits... so perhaps she knows best?

I guess what annoys me more... is that this friend had LIVED my experience. She had been one of those women rolling through her thirties with most of the women around her having kids... and  other women looking at her sideways because she had not had any babies.

She had BEEN in the notamommy club… she knows that sometimes that is a weird position in the world.Yet she was more than willing, upon her dive  into momworld... to jump RIGHT on that  bandwagon.

And I am NOT a fan of that bandwagon. I HATE that bandwagon in fact.

I hate that despite making children my lifes work, people will still dismiss me as knowing nothing because of my virginal birth canal.

Pisses me off to no end. If any of the beloved moms I know have ever said that to someone….. really stop and think about it. Because it is hurtful. And kind of mean.

ALSO>>>>>>On a related note…

I hate that despite being a fairly awesome person who has had a colorful amazing life deserving of NO pity , I AM in fact pitied quite often when I disclose my nokidhaving self.

Perfect strangers ask me how many kids I have all the time. And when I say none.. they make a sound like I said I had terminal cancer.. and then ask the most personal questions you can imagine about my parts… and THEN tell me all about their great aunt Sadie Jane who finally conceived her babies at the ripe old age of 97 after she drank peanut juice and raw beet smoothies and brayed at the moon for eleven days in a remote YERT in Timbuktu.

And Gods forbid I say I don’t WANT any! Then they look at me all fisheyed like I said I wanted to EAT babies and stop talking.

I  hate that should I ultimately choose NEVER to parent my own children , that choice will be seen as a completely non valid one.

Truth is.. Soldier man and I do not know what we are doing about kids. Prior to getting together and after our first marriages... we were both careful to AVOID having babies we were in no way ready for. In the decade we have been together, we have intentionally NOT had any because we were waiting until we felt we were in a place to be good providers and stable .Now that we are in that place we are still not sure. We have a great life and  a life that is perfect for us. We like kids but as grown ups, we are now aware of what raising a child really entails. It is not just about what WE want. It is about weather or not we can give a kid what THEY need.Like most humans,I DO adore snugly squishy powder smelling babies that coo and make cute faces..And when I see babies and all their cute things and their cute little feets... I always WANT one.But ...I am not sure that at this point we have what it takes to be patient enough and unselfish enough to have one all the time.Babies are WORK. And children change your world forever  and become the center of it. This is as it should be.. but we are really thinking about wheather or not we really WANT that. And we MIGHT not after all.

We LIKE to sleep in and go on vacation and spend our days doing whatever we want. There is a scenario where our lives are about us and our relationship and family and friends and travel and making art and running marathons and contributing to the world in ways other than rasing children.

BUT..There is also a scenario where we really WANT the experience and we want our world changed and full of sticky baby kisses and mudpies and endless “whys??” and all the other bazillion ways that kids make your life better and sillier and more full of glitter and butterflies!.And either way is ok.Neither way is right or wrong.There are just two different paths here.

The jury is  just still out on whether we WILL ...

But in any case.. if we don’t have kids we are still going to have a great life. And as I am planning a career full of kids and at least 2/3 of our siblings are for sure going to get parental… I don’t think our lives will lack them:)

So there is my rant. All over the place but hopefully you get the point.. Or points I guess. I am sure there are a million opinions on this as well as a lot of experience .Feel free to offer yoursJ <3